Sunday, April 27, 2014

Not Mine

Precious Eyelashes,

I'm sitting in the middle of the living room floor watching and listening to you play. You're talking to yourself, or your toys, or me... I'm not sure which. When you do something you're proud of, you look over to me to see if I'm looking. Trust me, I'm watching. I'm soaking in every single second with you that I possibly can. And I'm so proud of you, baby boy. 

It grieves my heart to know that in just a few weeks, you will begin spending more time with another family. You will begin transitioning into their world, adapting to their schedule, getting to know them and love them. It will be them that you will begin to trust as you start your second year of life. Eventually, the memories of your time with me will fade. You will hopefully know me by name, know my face, but you won't remember the ten months you spent growing up with me. And that's okay, I have pictures enough for the both of us...

I do want you to know this, though...

I love you more than I need my next breath. I would give my life to protect you. You own a part of my heart that you will be taking with you when you leave. But you are not mine. I've known this from the very day I got you, July 15, 2013. I am not your forever family, but God has created another family just for you. He has orchestrated your every step in the first year of your life. It was no coincidence that you came to me, and it will be by His design that you go to the next stop on your journey home.

You are special, baby boy. You will go on to do great things in life. There is something in you that God will use to work wonders. I know this is true, for God has already worked wonders in my life through you. I will forever pray for you, forever love you, forever hold you tight in my heart. And when the time is right, I want to help you piece together the first year of your life so that you know where you came from.

There is no way I can explain how heartbroken I am that God didn't call me to be your forever mommy, but in time I know that we will both see that God's plan for us is so much bigger, greater, more spectacular and more amazing than we could ever dream of or try to orchestrate on our own. As a precious friend reminded me today, there is another baby out there who needs a safe place to grow, and that, for now, is what God has called me to. To love and protect, but to let go when it's time. So I'm holding onto you now with open hands. 

I still don't know what your future looks like, but I know that God has got it all in the palm of His hand. He knows you better and loves you more than I ever could. He made you. He has a plan for you. You are His. 

Thank you, sweet baby, for touching my heart so deeply. Thank you for teaching me how to be a better person. How to love more deeply, without the walls I normally erect around my heart. Thank you for loving me. You have loved me every single day that you have been with me... even when I felt unloveable. Thank you for being a picture of grace and unconditional love. You are more of a blessing to me than you will ever know.

Precious baby boy, you are my bestest boy, my favorite love... And I love you deeply... For always.

1 comment:

  1. Just beautiful, Erin. Will be praying for you both in coming weeks!