Thursday, December 6, 2012

Catching Up

So it's been a while...

Little Man left on October 20, a Saturday.  Casey texted me on Tuesday, October 23 with this message, "Ok, remind me of your bed situation. Do you have access to another twin?"  Then we talked... I picked up another twin bed that afternoon, set it up that night, got the room ready on Wednesday night, then picked the girls up on Thursday afternoon.

Big Sis was 5 and Little Sis had just turned 5.  They also have 3 year old Little Brother who was placed with a friend of mine.  Big Sis started kindergarten at my school and Little Sis started preschool on Friday.  Their adjustment was fairly easy, although my adjustment going from one boy to two girls was quite a shocker.

To say the least, life is very different at my house now.  Instead of talking about Wonder Pets, we talk about babies and play school.  Instead of never worrying about hair, I'm fixing hair multiple times a day.  Instead of a meat eater who could've eaten and entire rotisserie chicken in one sitting (if I let him), I have two little girls who could probably live their whole life without eating meat and be totally fine with that.

God is teaching me quite a bit through this experience.  I am learning some facts about myself that I find less than appealing... I am NOT as patient as I thought I was or I need to be.  I am proud and have issues asking for and accepting help, and by doing that, I'm robbing others of the opportunity to pour into the lives of these children when they have the desire to do so.  I am stubborn and want my own way, even when I know logically that God's way is much better for me in every way.

So how am I dealing with these issues that have come up?  Well, I'm praying on the patience thing and I have many others praying for me as well.  Not much more I can do on that one, except to take a deep breath and count backwards from 10 (or 100... whatever works).  As far as the asking for help and accepting it?  Well, God has graciously given me multiple opportunities to practice this lately and although it's been hard, I've done it.  I have THE BEST church family and family a girl could ever ask for, and they are a blessing to me and my fosters and I am so very very thankful for them!  Let's just say, if you ever see the girls smile, know that my precious friends had a hand in keeping their smiles beautifully white (and not silver).  And also?  Santa's sleigh may wreck on it's way to my house because of an overloading issue.  :)

The last issue has not been quite as easy to deal with and I'm still walking (trudging?) through it.  I have an amazing small group that has been faithful in praying for me, listening, and offering advice and insight.  You see, I have been struggling for a while now with letting the Holy Spirit take charge.  You know that feeling when you stand on the edge of the high dive and look over the edge?  That feeling of, "Wow... this could be awesome... or terrible..."  Logically, I know that it won't be terrible, but that doesn't keep me from being afraid of where He will lead me.  What if God calls me out of where I am?  What if He asks me to move to the Middle East?  What if He asks me to quit my job?  What if I don't want to go where He leads?  I'm stuck on the high dive.  I know that it's time to jump or climb down, but I just keep staring into the pool hoping for a gust of wind to just blow me in.  So for right now I'm going to keep on keeping on.  I'm going to work through the feelings of fear that are holding me back, and the sins that are separating me from God, and eventually, I'll dive.  It may very well be a belly-flop, but at least I'll be in the water.

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