Sunday, October 21, 2012

Timeline of Hopeful Sadness

Well, I said to ask me how I felt after my I lost my first one... so this is how I feel.

On Monday, October 1st, he turned 5. I rejoiced.

On Wednesday, October 3rd, I found out that he would be moving in with his forever family on October 20. I wept.

On Sunday, October 7th, we picked up mom and drove up to his Aunt and Uncle's house to meet them. I was filled with hope and joy at what was to come for my Little Man. ("A Day of Family, Fellowship, & Hope")

On Friday, October 12th, I drove Little Man and brother up to meet Aunt L for Little Man's weekend visit. I felt weird in an empty house.

On Sunday, October 14th, I picked Little Man up and he told me all about his weekend. I breathed a sigh of relief.

On Friday, October 19th, I packed all of Little Man's stuff so that we could have a lazy Saturday morning together. I held it together, but knew that the cracks were starting to show.

On Saturday, October 20, 2012, I finished loading up the car and began the 2 hour drive to drop Little Man off at his new home. After unloading all of his boxes (the boy has a LOT of stuff!) and my mom got a good look at the BCS championship ring that is housed at Aunt L and Uncle P's house, we hit the road to come back home. Thankfully, my mom was able to come up and ride with us, so she drove home. Minus one little moment, I kept it together. I kept busy Saturday afternoon and I was able to keep my emotions at bay.

On Sunday, October 21st, I got to church and the waterworks started as soon as the first hug came. I knew that this would be one of my safe places to land. These people have walked through this journey with me. They know the struggles and fears that I've had throughout this process. They took the time to get to know Little Man and to LOVE him, even when the easier thing would have been to hold him at arm's length. They encouraged me and helped me to see the positive side of things when I found out when I would be losing him. They prayed for me constantly as this day drew closer.

As I sit and look back on today, I find that it wasn't as bad as I had expected. Did I cry? Oh, definitely yes. Many a tear was shed today, and I'm quite sure that I'm not finished. But I was also able to see the new testament church in action today. I was hugged by many. I was held while I wept. Some cried with me. I was prayed for. Little Man was prayed for. Beth, Jenny, Kim, Chris, Jessica, Tommy, Erin, Candace, Kelli, Paige, Bill, Amy, and so many many more... They were the hands and feet of Jesus today. They lifted me when I was weak and have poured their own strength into me. Although my heart is broken, it is also encouraged. I could not have made it through today without you guys. Thank you for being "Jesus with skin on," as my long time mentor, BD, says.

Now to look to the future. Hopefully soon, and VERY soon, I will be able to share a new addition with you. I am praying that a placement comes quickly and that I can, once again, share the love that has been poured out on me with a child who needs to be loved unconditionally.

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