Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Oh, the lessons He teaches!

If you would have asked me on May 24, 2012 whether I had any reservations or hesitations when it came to physical affection, I would have scoffed at the question and answered with an emphatic, "NO!" Then I received my first placement on May 25...

It's not that I don't enjoy some good snuggles, but being pushed past my comfort level with physical affection, my primary love language, was honestly shocking to me. I think what bothers me the most, however, is that I wonder if it would be different if it were my biological child. I don't have any bio children, so it's impossible to know the answer to the question that nags me every time my little friend kisses my leg or puts his face against my neck, but it doesn't stop me from wondering and even feeling guilty about it.

I also wonder whether I am subconciously holding my friend at somewhat of a distance in order to protect myself from the inevitable grief that will come when he leaves me. The fact that he will leave me relatively soon looms in the outskirts of my mind like a stubborn smudge on my glasses. I can see through it, but it distorts my vision and irritates the fire out of me. People continually ask or comment about the difficulty of letting a child go after you have cared for them like your own... I don't have an answer yet for that. My first loss has yet to happen and I don't think that anything can truly prepare one for the grief that follows. I do think it helps that my mindset has been one of knowing that I will only care for each child for a season. Ask me how helpful that mindset is, however, in a few months and I'll let you know how it goes...

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