Feeling Like a Mom...

So up until about 5:00 this morning, I realized I have felt like a long-term babysitter. Then came surgery day and all of the sudden, I now feel like a mom.

Last night was difficult. I was sleeping in E's twin bed, he was on a pillow pallet on the floor next to me, and my mom (aka, Bea) was in my bed. I was startled out of my second hour of sleep by massive flashes of lightening at around 2:00 am. A few seconds later, E was also jolted wide awake by an enormous thunder clap and lightening strike. The power went out and he ended up in the [twin] bed with me and therefore sleep was a spotty commodity the rest of the night.

After getting up at 4:45 and getting ready, I picked up a still sleeping 4 year old from his bed and made my way through the torrential downpour to get in the car for our hospital departure. As I performed this hefty task (the boy is solid!), I flashed back in my mind to one early morning when I was 4 and my daddy carried me to the car to go to the hospital for my foot surgery. It was this that began to cement feeling of being a "Mommy" into my heart and mind.

This feeling was perpetuated throughout the morning as the doctors and nurses came in and out of the room to talk to us, give updates, and check on Little Man as he recovered. I'm not sure why it took two months of caring for a little one full time to bring this fact to the forefront of my mind, but now that it's there, it has changed something inside of me.

Now the things that bothered me before (see earlier post) have lessened in intensity. Don't get me wrong, they're still there... and come to think of it, I'm probably opening Pandora's box of things that will irritate me even more. However, for now, this works for me.

Frustration

Frustration is brewing inside. My discontent grows stronger each day. Leaving the ball in someone else's court is so very difficult! I know that it's what's best in the long run, but it is my nature to try to step in and fix things. The waiting is hard, and my emotions don't even begin to compare to what little man must be feeling.

All I can see through all of the frustration is that my Father is waiting for me just as E and I wait for her. Does He get as frustrated with me as I do with her? Thank God for His grace and mercies... and that He is always there waiting, no matter how long I take.

Who am I?

I am Erin. I am a teacher, a Christian, a daughter, a sister and a soon-to-be sister-in-law. I am a friend, a dog person, a lover of teacher bags and cute boxes. I am also a foster mom... a single foster mom.

I have always wanted to foster. I can't remember a time in my life that I didn't want to. I always just assumed (and prayed) that I would get married, start a family, and then foster. God, however, has a different plan for me. I not only have a unique position in the lives of the kids who come into my care, but I also now have an opportunity for ministry with all single moms, especially those whose kids I am caring for.

I love where I am in life. I love the people and organizations that God has brought into my life in order to support me in my special form of motherhood. Thank God for unanswered prayers!!

Oh, the lessons He teaches!

If you would have asked me on May 24, 2012 whether I had any reservations or hesitations when it came to physical affection, I would have scoffed at the question and answered with an emphatic, "NO!" Then I received my first placement on May 25...

It's not that I don't enjoy some good snuggles, but being pushed past my comfort level with physical affection, my primary love language, was honestly shocking to me. I think what bothers me the most, however, is that I wonder if it would be different if it were my biological child. I don't have any bio children, so it's impossible to know the answer to the question that nags me every time my little friend kisses my leg or puts his face against my neck, but it doesn't stop me from wondering and even feeling guilty about it.

I also wonder whether I am subconciously holding my friend at somewhat of a distance in order to protect myself from the inevitable grief that will come when he leaves me. The fact that he will leave me relatively soon looms in the outskirts of my mind like a stubborn smudge on my glasses. I can see through it, but it distorts my vision and irritates the fire out of me. People continually ask or comment about the difficulty of letting a child go after you have cared for them like your own... I don't have an answer yet for that. My first loss has yet to happen and I don't think that anything can truly prepare one for the grief that follows. I do think it helps that my mindset has been one of knowing that I will only care for each child for a season. Ask me how helpful that mindset is, however, in a few months and I'll let you know how it goes...