My heart catches, forgetting to beat.
My stomach churns, the butterflies' wings fluttering incessantly.
My breath becomes shallow, unwittingly perpetuating the problem.
My mind races, possibilities and scenarios on an endless repeat formation.
My throat constricts, not allowing me to speak.
My adrenaline pumps, telling me to run away from it all.
My eyes water, wanting to spill all their secrets, to wash them away.
It is amazing to me how our bodies, so lovingly created by our Creator to work in perfect symphony, can have such a sudden and drastic reaction to one thought... one word...
This word, more than any other, can pull a stress reaction from the depths of my soul. Whenever my mind wanders, whenever I let my guard down, whenever I become still, whenever I allow myself to ponder the possible outcomes...
It hits fast and the chaos has soon taken over my body, holding me captive as I panic. Once a day, or once a minute, the intensity continues to build as court day comes closer.
There are many things about foster care that are hard, but for me, court has to be the hardest part. Not knowing what will happen is torture. Not knowing if I will be able to protect a child I love deeply and desperately makes me want to throw breakable objects against a wall. It makes me crazy. It makes me desperate.
So I'm assuming that if you're reading this, you know a foster family... So please pray for us.
Pray for our kids, that they will experience peace and assurance as their court day approaches.
Pray for the foster families as they scramble to remain in control of their feelings and emotions as the precious ones they love are once again placed in the hands of someone else who makes the decisions that will shape their future.
Pray for the social workers and lawyers whose job it is to fight for what is best for the child... that they will have wisdom and discernment.
Pray for the judge who many times will make a decision that will change the entire trajectory of a child's future without ever laying eyes on them or knowing them.
And pray for our hearts as they get stomped on and ripped to shreds over and over again.