Sunday, January 11, 2015

Little Baby Belle

Baby girl,

Today you are six months old. I fall more in love with you every single day. Your smile, your laugh, your fat little legs. Every single moment with you is a moment I will cherish forever.

Like each of my babies who have been here before you, I truly don't know how much longer I will have you. I dread the day when I get the phone call that starts with, "So... There's a relative who has petitioned for custody..." Each court date creates a knot in the pit of my stomach that sits like lead, gnawing at my heart and emotions until I know for sure what the outcome is. 

That knot, though, doesn't come from a fear that you will be taken away from me and that I will lose you forever. Baby girl, that day will come, and that is a fact. I pray that it brings with it a continued relationship with you and your family. I want more than anything to watch you grow up and become the woman who God has called you to be. 

But instead, that knot comes from not knowing...

Who will take you home one day that you will call mommy? 
Who will braid your hair and teach you your ABCs?
Whose arms will you run to when you scrape your knees and need hugs and kisses to make it better?
Who will kiss you goodnight and tell you over and over again that you are loved and cherished?
Who will hold your hand when you're nervous about your first day of school?
Who will encourage you to follow your dreams and be your best, even when it's hard?
Who will make you change clothes before you go out because those shorts are entirely too short?
Who will clap for you at your graduation?
Who will walk you down the aisle when you meet the man of your dreams?

It won't be me, sweet baby girl. I mourn that fact. I hate that fact. But the truth is... You are someone else's baby. I truly hope that I get to see some of those moments. I hope that when you look at pictures from your first year of life, you know who I am. I hope that this season of your life isn't hidden away from you, but cherished... I know I'll cherish it forever. And I'll love you for always. 

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