Six months ago today...
I answered the phone and said YES.
I sat at Lifeline waiting nervously for hours.
I brought you home.
I gave you a bath.
I cleaned up more spit up than I ever imagined could come out of one so small.
I gave you another bath.
I dressed you in teeny tiny newborn clothes.
I held you while your cried.
I held you while you slept.
I rocked you.
I sang to you.
I loved you.
Sweet lovey girl, people say that you're lucky to have me. But they're wrong... I'm the lucky one. Last summer, when my heart shattered into a million pieces, I struggled to put them back together. I tried desperately. I just couldn't do it.
You see, when Jakobe left me, I knew deep down inside that I couldn't have another baby boy for a while. I was too raw. I was hurt too deeply by his absence. It felt like another boy would be trying to replace the one that I missed, hurt and longed for so desperately.
So I asked for a girl. I'm so glad I did.
Baby girl, you have rocked my world. I have found that I can love again. Just as deeply and beautifully as I have with your predecessors. Honestly? I was scared that I had been broken... That I didn't have it in me to love like that again... To love without limits knowing fully that my heart will, once again, lie on the altar in shambles when you inevitably leave.
I have had six amazing months with you. Amazing doesn't even begin to describe my time with you. I owe so much to you. You have been an intrical part in my healing process... You still are.
But the moments that I dread with all my heart are just around the corner. In two weeks, we go back to court. I don't know if you'll come home with me or not. I hate not knowing. I hate it with all my heart. I hate thinking about the fact that I may come home to an empty house that night. I hate the fact that someone else will get to see your smiles and hear your coos. I hate knowing that you will, in your own little baby way, wonder where I've gone. I hate that you will be distressed when you can't find me...
I hate, more than anything though, the thought of losing you forever... That you will no longer be mine to love on, to talk to, to play with, to snuggle. I just hate this part. Simply the thought of it makes my breath catch in my chest. It makes my eyes sting, my stomach churn. It reminds me that the hardest thing I've ever faced will come crashing down on me once again.
But BB, hear me when I say this... You. Are. So. Worth. It.
You are worth every tear that I will shed.
You are worth every cry that will escape my lips from the broken places deep inside of me.
You are worth every moment of my grief.
You are worth it, baby girl, because you are worth every moment of my love.
I love you so much that it hurts. I will treasure every single moment I get to spend with you, rock you, feed you, talk to you, play with you, bounce you, kiss you, snuggle you, sing to you, be with you.
I love you, sweet girl, now and forever.
Love,
Mama Erin
