Hubris and Other Stuff

Hubris. Excessive pride. The downfall of man. The snare that waits around every corner to catch me by the ankle. Hoisting me, dangling, into the air, and turning everything upside down. (For my fellow Harry fans, pride is my Levicorpus.)

I've been contemplating for a while now (on and off since my last post, actually) what I should write about on here, but nothing ever really tickled my fancy. Sure, I could tell you about the ins and outs of my days as a single foster mom, but honestly, that would be as much of a bore to write as it would be to read. Sure, we have our struggles and our victories, but it's really just a normal life... Or as normal of a life as we can muster. The real newsworthy stuff is much deeper down than that. It is buried under the chips of plaster that have started collecting at the base of the wall that I have built up around myself. 

My wall is my pride. My pride is my wall. It's a beautiful wall. All dolled up with lovely murals and intricate tapestries. Artwork that shows what I want people to see. What I want myself to see. All of that lovely artwork is on both sides of my wall... Fancy, huh? The problem is that I've been staring at these beautiful images for so long that I have started to truly believe them. I began to think that they depicted the real me. All the while, I have continued to build my wall higher, reinforcing it wherever there may be a weak spot and ensuring that I am protected from the prying eyes of those around me, even those closest to me. Wait. Did I say wall? I meant fortress! If I continue to build, I will very soon have turrets and towers that overlook a moat filled with crocodiles, sharks, and piranhas. View from a distance, but swimmers beware!

It has been hard to see this wall for what it is... A blockade, an excuse, a hindrance. When you put so much energy and effort into something, it's difficult to admit that it was all for naught. But it is. My pride is hurting me. It permeates every area of my life; work, friendships, raising kids, loving others... It keeps me from truly trusting those around me because I am afraid they will see the real me. It keeps me from opening up and building true friendships with people because I don't want them to get too close. It allows me to be complacent with shallow friendships that never truly scratch the surface, and surely won't go the distance, even though I yearn for something more meaningful. It keeps me from reaching out to others in pain for fear of being asked to share part of myself in return. Most importantly, though, it separates me from my Creator and Savior. I accept the fact that God knows my inner-most thoughts. I know that He alone knows me fully, better than I know myself. There is no hiding from Him, no pretending in front of Him. No, the pretending is for the sake of others. I have strived to make others think that I am someone I am not. Why? To impress, to placate, but mostly to be accepted... to fit in. For the majority of my life, church has been where I have friends. It's my home base. It's where I know that I will have someone to sit with and someone who will be there when I need a hug. In high school, it provided my social circle. It's where I belonged. 

Years of seeing my church partly as a social club, though, has ingrained in me the habit of being a "good Christian girl." Being seen as a prayer warrior, someone who is in and knows the Word, a servant, a leader... It was my goal. That has been the artwork that I have so carefully been painting on my walls. Not don't get me wrong, there have been times when God has gotten hold of me and every bit of my "act" became something genuine and heartfelt. However, as I have gotten older, busier, more jaded, those times been coming fewer and farther between. And then came this weekend...

This weekend was our Lifeline foster family retreat at Shocco Springs. Traci did an amazing job planning a time where the kids got to play and the parents got to learn and fellowship with others who go through the same things we go through on a daily basis. Friday night was great and the girls and I went back to our room for bed looking forward to Saturday. God, however, decided my learning for the night wasn't over. Two times Friday night, Big Sis woke up and tried to get in bed with me. The second time, at 2:00am, after putting her back in her bed, I just wasn't able to get back to sleep. I honestly don't remember how or why blogging came to mind, but I pulled out my tablet and started writing. The first three paragraphs of this entry are what came out. I was looking at my life and seeing it for the sham that it truly is. One would think that this would have brought on some sort of emotion, but not quite yet. It was merely a fact. Something I had to accept for what it was so that I could begin the process of changing. The problem I faced, though, was knowing how to change. After staying up examining my life until about 4:30, I was finally able to get a little more sleep before the morning came. 

As expected, I had a great Saturday learning and sharing with my fellow fosters, but my mind would wander back to what God had laid on my heart during the night. I would find myself thinking about the next steps in this journey and not being able to really come up with a game plan. I figured that on Sunday, I could write some more and maybe that would give me some ideas. Pastor Paul beat me to it. Today's sermon was about strongholds and spiritual warfare. Every single word that came out of his mouth was anointed by God for ME. There may have been some others who needed that lesson as well, but I know for sure and for certain that God timed everything this weekend and even beforehand so that I would be primed and ready to hear. Not just listen, but hear. And I heard. 

Here are some of my notes from Pastor Paul's sermon today:

-A stronghold is built when we fail to deal with sin in our lives.

-There is no earthly solution to strongholds. 

2 Corinthians 10:4

"The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds."

-How do we destroy strongholds?

  1. Step into the fight... You can't be indifferent!

  2. Rely on God's provision... GRACE! (James 4:6)

  3. Surrender to God. (James 4:7)

James 4:6-7

"But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: 'God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.' Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you."

-**Commitment does NOT work unless it is preceded by surrender!!

(Sunday, 2/10/12; Pastor Paul Lawler, Christ Church United Methodist, Birmingham, AL)

Whoa. God spoke, that is certain. And I've realized something... Other than pride, I have some other strongholds that need to be dealt with. Until these are demolished, I will continue in a fruitless journey. So next step? Surrender. I've struggled with this concept for a really long time. Surrender means giving overe every aspect of my life... finances, thought life, job, future, relationships, dreams, hobbies, entertainment, etc. I cannot just pick and choose the areas in which I will surrender. That's not how it works. He wants all of me. Everything. Up until now, I have held back, scared of what changes this might unleash in my life. Scared of the loss of control, and scared of being held accountable for the life that I've been living... 

Now, since I'm being completely honest and just laying it all out there for you, I might as well tell you the other big reason I have held back on surrender... I honestly haven't believed that it would work. I have, for quite a while now, been unsure about the power of prayer. It wasn't working for me, so I just figured that it didn't work. Maybe for other people, but not for me. I would pray that God would take this struggle away and it would never get any better. I would pray for comfort and I would feel no different than I had before. I would pray for help and no help would come. Well, no wonder! My faith was non-existent and my motives behind it were selfish and certainly not pure! Before today, just the thought of praying a prayer and having a stronghold broken without me actually having to do something would make me laugh internally. Inner-dialogue, "Rrrright. Been there, done that. I never feel any different. It doesn't work. I have to figure out a way to fix this. I just don't think that just praying about it really does anything." Because of this mindset, I have always preferred comfort, advice, etc from other people, I have always sought out people to help make me feel better because I have never experienced the healing comfort of Christ. I've never let Him comfort me. I have always thought the concept of feeling Him wrap his arms around you was impossible. The list of my doubts and insecurities would last much longer than anyone's attention span, but I can assure you that they are there. And just because I've had a break through doesn't mean that I still won't struggle with some of them on a day to day basis, but I plan to try living a different way now... By faith.

Today, at the altar, a song resonated with my heart. It wasn't playing in church, but it played through my head and its simple message overwhelmed me.

  I surrender all.

  I surrender all.

  All to Jesus, I surrender.

  I surrender all.

Let this be my prayer each day as I start a new chapter in this life. Living by faith and not by sight. 

Catching Up

So it's been a while...

Little Man left on October 20, a Saturday.  Casey texted me on Tuesday, October 23 with this message, "Ok, remind me of your bed situation. Do you have access to another twin?"  Then we talked... I picked up another twin bed that afternoon, set it up that night, got the room ready on Wednesday night, then picked the girls up on Thursday afternoon.

Big Sis was 5 and Little Sis had just turned 5.  They also have 3 year old Little Brother who was placed with a friend of mine.  Big Sis started kindergarten at my school and Little Sis started preschool on Friday.  Their adjustment was fairly easy, although my adjustment going from one boy to two girls was quite a shocker.

To say the least, life is very different at my house now.  Instead of talking about Wonder Pets, we talk about babies and play school.  Instead of never worrying about hair, I'm fixing hair multiple times a day.  Instead of a meat eater who could've eaten and entire rotisserie chicken in one sitting (if I let him), I have two little girls who could probably live their whole life without eating meat and be totally fine with that.

God is teaching me quite a bit through this experience.  I am learning some facts about myself that I find less than appealing... I am NOT as patient as I thought I was or I need to be.  I am proud and have issues asking for and accepting help, and by doing that, I'm robbing others of the opportunity to pour into the lives of these children when they have the desire to do so.  I am stubborn and want my own way, even when I know logically that God's way is much better for me in every way.

So how am I dealing with these issues that have come up?  Well, I'm praying on the patience thing and I have many others praying for me as well.  Not much more I can do on that one, except to take a deep breath and count backwards from 10 (or 100... whatever works).  As far as the asking for help and accepting it?  Well, God has graciously given me multiple opportunities to practice this lately and although it's been hard, I've done it.  I have THE BEST church family and family a girl could ever ask for, and they are a blessing to me and my fosters and I am so very very thankful for them!  Let's just say, if you ever see the girls smile, know that my precious friends had a hand in keeping their smiles beautifully white (and not silver).  And also?  Santa's sleigh may wreck on it's way to my house because of an overloading issue.  :)

The last issue has not been quite as easy to deal with and I'm still walking (trudging?) through it.  I have an amazing small group that has been faithful in praying for me, listening, and offering advice and insight.  You see, I have been struggling for a while now with letting the Holy Spirit take charge.  You know that feeling when you stand on the edge of the high dive and look over the edge?  That feeling of, "Wow... this could be awesome... or terrible..."  Logically, I know that it won't be terrible, but that doesn't keep me from being afraid of where He will lead me.  What if God calls me out of where I am?  What if He asks me to move to the Middle East?  What if He asks me to quit my job?  What if I don't want to go where He leads?  I'm stuck on the high dive.  I know that it's time to jump or climb down, but I just keep staring into the pool hoping for a gust of wind to just blow me in.  So for right now I'm going to keep on keeping on.  I'm going to work through the feelings of fear that are holding me back, and the sins that are separating me from God, and eventually, I'll dive.  It may very well be a belly-flop, but at least I'll be in the water.

Timeline of Hopeful Sadness

Well, I said to ask me how I felt after my I lost my first one... so this is how I feel.

On Monday, October 1st, he turned 5. I rejoiced.

On Wednesday, October 3rd, I found out that he would be moving in with his forever family on October 20. I wept.

On Sunday, October 7th, we picked up mom and drove up to his Aunt and Uncle's house to meet them. I was filled with hope and joy at what was to come for my Little Man. ("A Day of Family, Fellowship, & Hope")

On Friday, October 12th, I drove Little Man and brother up to meet Aunt L for Little Man's weekend visit. I felt weird in an empty house.

On Sunday, October 14th, I picked Little Man up and he told me all about his weekend. I breathed a sigh of relief.

On Friday, October 19th, I packed all of Little Man's stuff so that we could have a lazy Saturday morning together. I held it together, but knew that the cracks were starting to show.

On Saturday, October 20, 2012, I finished loading up the car and began the 2 hour drive to drop Little Man off at his new home. After unloading all of his boxes (the boy has a LOT of stuff!) and my mom got a good look at the BCS championship ring that is housed at Aunt L and Uncle P's house, we hit the road to come back home. Thankfully, my mom was able to come up and ride with us, so she drove home. Minus one little moment, I kept it together. I kept busy Saturday afternoon and I was able to keep my emotions at bay.

On Sunday, October 21st, I got to church and the waterworks started as soon as the first hug came. I knew that this would be one of my safe places to land. These people have walked through this journey with me. They know the struggles and fears that I've had throughout this process. They took the time to get to know Little Man and to LOVE him, even when the easier thing would have been to hold him at arm's length. They encouraged me and helped me to see the positive side of things when I found out when I would be losing him. They prayed for me constantly as this day drew closer.

As I sit and look back on today, I find that it wasn't as bad as I had expected. Did I cry? Oh, definitely yes. Many a tear was shed today, and I'm quite sure that I'm not finished. But I was also able to see the new testament church in action today. I was hugged by many. I was held while I wept. Some cried with me. I was prayed for. Little Man was prayed for. Beth, Jenny, Kim, Chris, Jessica, Tommy, Erin, Candace, Kelli, Paige, Bill, Amy, and so many many more... They were the hands and feet of Jesus today. They lifted me when I was weak and have poured their own strength into me. Although my heart is broken, it is also encouraged. I could not have made it through today without you guys. Thank you for being "Jesus with skin on," as my long time mentor, BD, says.

Now to look to the future. Hopefully soon, and VERY soon, I will be able to share a new addition with you. I am praying that a placement comes quickly and that I can, once again, share the love that has been poured out on me with a child who needs to be loved unconditionally.

Just a taste...

This weekend I'm getting a taste of what it will be like as of next Saturday...

No one to check in on before I turn in for the night.

No one to wake me up on the weekends when all I want to do is sleep late.

No one to get ready in the morning.

No one to record Wonder Pets or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse for.

Etc...

Praying that I get a new placement soon. I'm not really a fan of having an empty house!

A Day of Family, Fellowship, & HOPE!

I'm not even sure I can truly describe how incredibly life-giving today was for me, but I'll give it try anyway...


After an emotional day at church (it was Little Man's last Sunday with me at church), we headed out for our great Sunday adventure. We headed downtown to pick mom up, and after getting her, we hit the road to meet Little Man's future.

During the two hour drive to Little Man's future home, it got increasingly hard to keep my eyes open and on the road. All I could think of is that I would rather turn the car around, go home, take a nap, and just ignore all of the calls from the people trying to find Little Man... maybe they would forget where I lived and that would be that. Instead, I just kept driving and changing the music to keep myself awake.

When we got to the W's house, only Aunt L, B and brother were there (brother has been spending weekends there), but they welcomed us with open arms and made us feel at home immediately.  Soon, a slew of people began arriving to celebrate Little Man... meeting him, as well as his birthday, which just passed. Aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, grandkids... there were so many people there that I had a hard time keeping everyone straight. There was one thing I could say about every person at that house, though; each and every one of them are committed to Little Man and Brother, as well as to mom. Just seeing them interact with such love spoke of a genuine desire and calling to be a light in the darkness. I believe that I may have mentioned this before, but the Ws are not new to bringing "non-biological" children into the fold. They have raised children who were not born to them, and have treated them as their own, talk of them with pride, and live and breathe of love for them.

I am excited that my Little Man gets to be a part of this family. My heart is blessed beyond measure that he will have a father figure who loves God more than anything and treats his wife like a queen. I am thrilled that this family will not only treat him and brother like their own, but will strive to foster their relationship with mom. I love that they not only want mom involved in the boys' lives, but they long for her to experience restoration and healing as well.

Never before have I truly experienced and grasped what it means for God to turn our mourning into dancing. But now I know. I now know what it means to feel my heart, breaking with dread at what is to come, change into a heart full of joy and hope for the future. I am so thankful that I can now consider the W family a part of my own. We will forever have a tie that binds us together... love for a child who may not be born to us, but will always hold a place in our hearts.

Start of one season, End of another

The day I have been waiting for has finally arrived.  Aunt L and Uncle P are now licensed and Little Man will be leaving me on October 20.  I knew this day would come, but every time someone asked when he would be leaving, I was able to say, "In the next month or so..."  It was always so ambiguous, so out there, so abstract.  Now it's real, concrete, and highly unavoidable.

When I got his social worker's message yesterday after school, I was okay for a little while, and then I went to my small group at church.  I'm in a parenting Bible study (Parenting with Scripture, great resource!) and funnily enough, the first topic that we were to discuss was change.  That's when it started.

Now, let's get something straight, I'm an ugly cryer.  My face contorts, my nose runs, my eyes swell... not  so cute.  Thank goodness it wasn't too bad and I was able to calm myself down before the true ugly crying started, but it was enough to be a forwarning of what is to come in the next few weeks.  My emotions seem to be on a merry-go-round.  I'm happy that Little Man and his brother will eventually be back together.  I'm happy that they have a family who wants them and was willing to go through all of the hoops to get them and keep them together.  I'm happy that this will likely be a forever home for both of them, but that mom will be an important part of their lives as well.  But I'm sad for me!  There are so many things that I'll miss about this child.  There will be so many ways that my life will feel empty. 

The worst part, however, is knowing how much he will miss me.  I know that sounds incredibly weird... so let me explain.  Little Man came to me from another foster family.  They are AMAZING!!  They loved him (and still do!) as if he were their own child and he loves them fiercely.  He not only cried for them when he first came to me, but he wept.  He wept tears of anguish as he missed the brother, sisters, and parents that God had placed him with for that season.  He wept for fear of the unknown.  He wept because of the finality of the realization that he would never live with them again.  I almost feel that as he goes through this process of grieving again, I may be able to feel his pain through the miles.  I know the words he will use and the way his cries will sound... as if his heart is breaking into a million pieces with no hope of repair.  I know how he will ask Aunt L and Uncle P if Sunny (my dog) can come and live with them because he misses her.  I know how he will be scared at night in his new bed and will keep himself awake as long as he can because of that fear.  I know how he will talk about things that we did together and ask to do them again.  I know how he will have to relearn family rules and expectations yet again.

The things that scare me and make me sad about this situation can quickly overwhelm me, so it is now my goal to stay positive.  I know all of the positives in this situation.  I know that this is what's best for Little Man.  I know that God's hand is not just in this, but is controlling all of this.  I know that this family has raised successful, Godly children.  Some who, despite traumatic beginnings, have reclaimed their futures and are living their best lives.  Twenty years from now, I look forward to getting a call from Little Man and hearing about where he is and what he's doing... hearing about what he's doing for the Lord and how God is using him. 

Happy Birthday, Little Man!

Well, Little Man wakes up in the morning as a 5 year old. The banner is hung across his room and balloons are blown up and strewn ALL over the living room. I'm already warming up my vocal chords for a glorious rendition of the "Happy Birthday" chorus at about 6:20 in the morning when I go in to wake him up. In the back of my mind, though, is the fact that there is another woman out there who is more than likely grieving that she is not the one who is waking her child up on his birthday, singing to him in a silly voice, and picking up doughnuts on the way to daycare (which he, thankfully, chose instead of cupcakes...). I understand that there are those people out there who pretty much dismiss birth families and feel that if they lost their child in the first place, then good riddance to them. I used to be that person... Thank God that He worked a miracle in my heart...

I'm not sure if I've told this story on here before, but it deserves a repeat right about now anyway, so here it is again.

Informational session of GPS class (the class you have to go through to get licensed as a foster parent), Traci made the comment, "We know that it is technically DHR's responsibility to transport children to and from visitation, but we really encourage all of our families to get involved in those visitations and get to know the birth family." My reaction? Ummmm... NOPE!! Not what I'm in this for... They lost their child for a reason, and I'm here for the child, not the parents.

Well, now that almost seems laughable, but I was serious about it then. God has changed my heart since then, needless to say. I now look forward to the opportunity to get to know the birth families and show them Jesus with some skin on. For in the long run, if I do not strive for change in the entire family, is the healing that takes place in the child while they're with me effective at all? True, it can have some short term benefits, but at best, it will simply turn into a talisman of hope in their hearts rather than a true and meaningful change in their lives. I treasure the time that Little Man gets to spend with his family and I hope that he creates an ocean of great memories with them so that they will carry him through the rough times that will inevitably come in the future. 

Saturday was one of those memories. His birthday party was a blast... So many friends were able to come, and they truly showed their love for Little Man just by being there. The people that I was most excited about coming, though, was his former foster family, the Fox family, and his mommy. Seeing him run to greet them and hug them like there was no tomorrow put a flame of joy in my heart. It made the time and expense totally worth it... And a hug from mom after the party, and hearing how much it meant to her... That was just icing on the cake. (Yes, pun intended.)

So now that the festivities are over, we're left with his actual birthday day. He'll wake up to Miss Erin singing to him instead of mommy, and he'll stop by Joe's Doughnuts for his birthday treat for school with his foster mom instead of mommy, but by golly, the boy will have his birthday dinner with his mommy! We head out tomorrow afternoon to pick up mom and brother and we'll head to the mall, where the 3 of them will have the first evening out together... On their own... In more than a year. Besides actually turning him into a real Wonder Pet, this is the best birthday present I can think of to give  this special Little Man who has captured my heart.

Happy birthday, Little Man. I pray that you will know how much your are loved... by me, by your mommy, by God. Blessings on you, dear heart. I love you!