Well, I said to ask me how I felt after my I lost my first one... so this is how I feel.
On Monday, October 1st, he turned 5. I rejoiced.
On Wednesday, October 3rd, I found out that he would be moving in with his forever family on October 20. I wept.
On Sunday, October 7th, we picked up mom and drove up to his Aunt and Uncle's house to meet them. I was filled with hope and joy at what was to come for my Little Man. ("A Day of Family, Fellowship, & Hope")
On Friday, October 12th, I drove Little Man and brother up to meet Aunt L for Little Man's weekend visit. I felt weird in an empty house.
On Sunday, October 14th, I picked Little Man up and he told me all about his weekend. I breathed a sigh of relief.
On Friday, October 19th, I packed all of Little Man's stuff so that we could have a lazy Saturday morning together. I held it together, but knew that the cracks were starting to show.
On Saturday, October 20, 2012, I finished loading up the car and began the 2 hour drive to drop Little Man off at his new home. After unloading all of his boxes (the boy has a LOT of stuff!) and my mom got a good look at the BCS championship ring that is housed at Aunt L and Uncle P's house, we hit the road to come back home. Thankfully, my mom was able to come up and ride with us, so she drove home. Minus one little moment, I kept it together. I kept busy Saturday afternoon and I was able to keep my emotions at bay.
On Sunday, October 21st, I got to church and the waterworks started as soon as the first hug came. I knew that this would be one of my safe places to land. These people have walked through this journey with me. They know the struggles and fears that I've had throughout this process. They took the time to get to know Little Man and to LOVE him, even when the easier thing would have been to hold him at arm's length. They encouraged me and helped me to see the positive side of things when I found out when I would be losing him. They prayed for me constantly as this day drew closer.
As I sit and look back on today, I find that it wasn't as bad as I had expected. Did I cry? Oh, definitely yes. Many a tear was shed today, and I'm quite sure that I'm not finished. But I was also able to see the new testament church in action today. I was hugged by many. I was held while I wept. Some cried with me. I was prayed for. Little Man was prayed for. Beth, Jenny, Kim, Chris, Jessica, Tommy, Erin, Candace, Kelli, Paige, Bill, Amy, and so many many more... They were the hands and feet of Jesus today. They lifted me when I was weak and have poured their own strength into me. Although my heart is broken, it is also encouraged. I could not have made it through today without you guys. Thank you for being "Jesus with skin on," as my long time mentor, BD, says.
Now to look to the future. Hopefully soon, and VERY soon, I will be able to share a new addition with you. I am praying that a placement comes quickly and that I can, once again, share the love that has been poured out on me with a child who needs to be loved unconditionally.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Just a taste...
This weekend I'm getting a taste of what it will be like as of next Saturday...
No one to check in on before I turn in for the night.
No one to wake me up on the weekends when all I want to do is sleep late.
No one to get ready in the morning.
No one to record Wonder Pets or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse for.
Etc...
Praying that I get a new placement soon. I'm not really a fan of having an empty house!
Sunday, October 7, 2012
A Day of Family, Fellowship, & HOPE!
I'm not even sure I can truly describe how incredibly life-giving today was for me, but I'll give it try anyway...
After an emotional day at church (it was Little Man's last Sunday with me at church), we headed out for our great Sunday adventure. We headed downtown to pick mom up, and after getting her, we hit the road to meet Little Man's future.
During the two hour drive to Little Man's future home, it got increasingly hard to keep my eyes open and on the road. All I could think of is that I would rather turn the car around, go home, take a nap, and just ignore all of the calls from the people trying to find Little Man... maybe they would forget where I lived and that would be that. Instead, I just kept driving and changing the music to keep myself awake.
When we got to the W's house, only Aunt L, B and brother were there (brother has been spending weekends there), but they welcomed us with open arms and made us feel at home immediately. Soon, a slew of people began arriving to celebrate Little Man... meeting him, as well as his birthday, which just passed. Aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, grandkids... there were so many people there that I had a hard time keeping everyone straight. There was one thing I could say about every person at that house, though; each and every one of them are committed to Little Man and Brother, as well as to mom. Just seeing them interact with such love spoke of a genuine desire and calling to be a light in the darkness. I believe that I may have mentioned this before, but the Ws are not new to bringing "non-biological" children into the fold. They have raised children who were not born to them, and have treated them as their own, talk of them with pride, and live and breathe of love for them.
I am excited that my Little Man gets to be a part of this family. My heart is blessed beyond measure that he will have a father figure who loves God more than anything and treats his wife like a queen. I am thrilled that this family will not only treat him and brother like their own, but will strive to foster their relationship with mom. I love that they not only want mom involved in the boys' lives, but they long for her to experience restoration and healing as well.
Never before have I truly experienced and grasped what it means for God to turn our mourning into dancing. But now I know. I now know what it means to feel my heart, breaking with dread at what is to come, change into a heart full of joy and hope for the future. I am so thankful that I can now consider the W family a part of my own. We will forever have a tie that binds us together... love for a child who may not be born to us, but will always hold a place in our hearts.
After an emotional day at church (it was Little Man's last Sunday with me at church), we headed out for our great Sunday adventure. We headed downtown to pick mom up, and after getting her, we hit the road to meet Little Man's future.
During the two hour drive to Little Man's future home, it got increasingly hard to keep my eyes open and on the road. All I could think of is that I would rather turn the car around, go home, take a nap, and just ignore all of the calls from the people trying to find Little Man... maybe they would forget where I lived and that would be that. Instead, I just kept driving and changing the music to keep myself awake.
When we got to the W's house, only Aunt L, B and brother were there (brother has been spending weekends there), but they welcomed us with open arms and made us feel at home immediately. Soon, a slew of people began arriving to celebrate Little Man... meeting him, as well as his birthday, which just passed. Aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, grandkids... there were so many people there that I had a hard time keeping everyone straight. There was one thing I could say about every person at that house, though; each and every one of them are committed to Little Man and Brother, as well as to mom. Just seeing them interact with such love spoke of a genuine desire and calling to be a light in the darkness. I believe that I may have mentioned this before, but the Ws are not new to bringing "non-biological" children into the fold. They have raised children who were not born to them, and have treated them as their own, talk of them with pride, and live and breathe of love for them.
I am excited that my Little Man gets to be a part of this family. My heart is blessed beyond measure that he will have a father figure who loves God more than anything and treats his wife like a queen. I am thrilled that this family will not only treat him and brother like their own, but will strive to foster their relationship with mom. I love that they not only want mom involved in the boys' lives, but they long for her to experience restoration and healing as well.
Never before have I truly experienced and grasped what it means for God to turn our mourning into dancing. But now I know. I now know what it means to feel my heart, breaking with dread at what is to come, change into a heart full of joy and hope for the future. I am so thankful that I can now consider the W family a part of my own. We will forever have a tie that binds us together... love for a child who may not be born to us, but will always hold a place in our hearts.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Start of one season, End of another
The day I have been waiting for has finally arrived. Aunt L and Uncle P are now licensed and Little Man will be leaving me on October 20. I knew this day would come, but every time someone asked when he would be leaving, I was able to say, "In the next month or so..." It was always so ambiguous, so out there, so abstract. Now it's real, concrete, and highly unavoidable.
When I got his social worker's message yesterday after school, I was okay for a little while, and then I went to my small group at church. I'm in a parenting Bible study (Parenting with Scripture, great resource!) and funnily enough, the first topic that we were to discuss was change. That's when it started.
Now, let's get something straight, I'm an ugly cryer. My face contorts, my nose runs, my eyes swell... not so cute. Thank goodness it wasn't too bad and I was able to calm myself down before the true ugly crying started, but it was enough to be a forwarning of what is to come in the next few weeks. My emotions seem to be on a merry-go-round. I'm happy that Little Man and his brother will eventually be back together. I'm happy that they have a family who wants them and was willing to go through all of the hoops to get them and keep them together. I'm happy that this will likely be a forever home for both of them, but that mom will be an important part of their lives as well. But I'm sad for me! There are so many things that I'll miss about this child. There will be so many ways that my life will feel empty.
The worst part, however, is knowing how much he will miss me. I know that sounds incredibly weird... so let me explain. Little Man came to me from another foster family. They are AMAZING!! They loved him (and still do!) as if he were their own child and he loves them fiercely. He not only cried for them when he first came to me, but he wept. He wept tears of anguish as he missed the brother, sisters, and parents that God had placed him with for that season. He wept for fear of the unknown. He wept because of the finality of the realization that he would never live with them again. I almost feel that as he goes through this process of grieving again, I may be able to feel his pain through the miles. I know the words he will use and the way his cries will sound... as if his heart is breaking into a million pieces with no hope of repair. I know how he will ask Aunt L and Uncle P if Sunny (my dog) can come and live with them because he misses her. I know how he will be scared at night in his new bed and will keep himself awake as long as he can because of that fear. I know how he will talk about things that we did together and ask to do them again. I know how he will have to relearn family rules and expectations yet again.
The things that scare me and make me sad about this situation can quickly overwhelm me, so it is now my goal to stay positive. I know all of the positives in this situation. I know that this is what's best for Little Man. I know that God's hand is not just in this, but is controlling all of this. I know that this family has raised successful, Godly children. Some who, despite traumatic beginnings, have reclaimed their futures and are living their best lives. Twenty years from now, I look forward to getting a call from Little Man and hearing about where he is and what he's doing... hearing about what he's doing for the Lord and how God is using him.
When I got his social worker's message yesterday after school, I was okay for a little while, and then I went to my small group at church. I'm in a parenting Bible study (Parenting with Scripture, great resource!) and funnily enough, the first topic that we were to discuss was change. That's when it started.
Now, let's get something straight, I'm an ugly cryer. My face contorts, my nose runs, my eyes swell... not so cute. Thank goodness it wasn't too bad and I was able to calm myself down before the true ugly crying started, but it was enough to be a forwarning of what is to come in the next few weeks. My emotions seem to be on a merry-go-round. I'm happy that Little Man and his brother will eventually be back together. I'm happy that they have a family who wants them and was willing to go through all of the hoops to get them and keep them together. I'm happy that this will likely be a forever home for both of them, but that mom will be an important part of their lives as well. But I'm sad for me! There are so many things that I'll miss about this child. There will be so many ways that my life will feel empty.
The worst part, however, is knowing how much he will miss me. I know that sounds incredibly weird... so let me explain. Little Man came to me from another foster family. They are AMAZING!! They loved him (and still do!) as if he were their own child and he loves them fiercely. He not only cried for them when he first came to me, but he wept. He wept tears of anguish as he missed the brother, sisters, and parents that God had placed him with for that season. He wept for fear of the unknown. He wept because of the finality of the realization that he would never live with them again. I almost feel that as he goes through this process of grieving again, I may be able to feel his pain through the miles. I know the words he will use and the way his cries will sound... as if his heart is breaking into a million pieces with no hope of repair. I know how he will ask Aunt L and Uncle P if Sunny (my dog) can come and live with them because he misses her. I know how he will be scared at night in his new bed and will keep himself awake as long as he can because of that fear. I know how he will talk about things that we did together and ask to do them again. I know how he will have to relearn family rules and expectations yet again.
The things that scare me and make me sad about this situation can quickly overwhelm me, so it is now my goal to stay positive. I know all of the positives in this situation. I know that this is what's best for Little Man. I know that God's hand is not just in this, but is controlling all of this. I know that this family has raised successful, Godly children. Some who, despite traumatic beginnings, have reclaimed their futures and are living their best lives. Twenty years from now, I look forward to getting a call from Little Man and hearing about where he is and what he's doing... hearing about what he's doing for the Lord and how God is using him.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Happy Birthday, Little Man!
Well, Little Man wakes up in the morning as a 5 year old. The banner is hung across his room and balloons are blown up and strewn ALL over the living room. I'm already warming up my vocal chords for a glorious rendition of the "Happy Birthday" chorus at about 6:20 in the morning when I go in to wake him up. In the back of my mind, though, is the fact that there is another woman out there who is more than likely grieving that she is not the one who is waking her child up on his birthday, singing to him in a silly voice, and picking up doughnuts on the way to daycare (which he, thankfully, chose instead of cupcakes...). I understand that there are those people out there who pretty much dismiss birth families and feel that if they lost their child in the first place, then good riddance to them. I used to be that person... Thank God that He worked a miracle in my heart...
I'm not sure if I've told this story on here before, but it deserves a repeat right about now anyway, so here it is again.
Informational session of GPS class (the class you have to go through to get licensed as a foster parent), Traci made the comment, "We know that it is technically DHR's responsibility to transport children to and from visitation, but we really encourage all of our families to get involved in those visitations and get to know the birth family." My reaction? Ummmm... NOPE!! Not what I'm in this for... They lost their child for a reason, and I'm here for the child, not the parents.
Well, now that almost seems laughable, but I was serious about it then. God has changed my heart since then, needless to say. I now look forward to the opportunity to get to know the birth families and show them Jesus with some skin on. For in the long run, if I do not strive for change in the entire family, is the healing that takes place in the child while they're with me effective at all? True, it can have some short term benefits, but at best, it will simply turn into a talisman of hope in their hearts rather than a true and meaningful change in their lives. I treasure the time that Little Man gets to spend with his family and I hope that he creates an ocean of great memories with them so that they will carry him through the rough times that will inevitably come in the future.
Saturday was one of those memories. His birthday party was a blast... So many friends were able to come, and they truly showed their love for Little Man just by being there. The people that I was most excited about coming, though, was his former foster family, the Fox family, and his mommy. Seeing him run to greet them and hug them like there was no tomorrow put a flame of joy in my heart. It made the time and expense totally worth it... And a hug from mom after the party, and hearing how much it meant to her... That was just icing on the cake. (Yes, pun intended.)
So now that the festivities are over, we're left with his actual birthday day. He'll wake up to Miss Erin singing to him instead of mommy, and he'll stop by Joe's Doughnuts for his birthday treat for school with his foster mom instead of mommy, but by golly, the boy will have his birthday dinner with his mommy! We head out tomorrow afternoon to pick up mom and brother and we'll head to the mall, where the 3 of them will have the first evening out together... On their own... In more than a year. Besides actually turning him into a real Wonder Pet, this is the best birthday present I can think of to give this special Little Man who has captured my heart.
Happy birthday, Little Man. I pray that you will know how much your are loved... by me, by your mommy, by God. Blessings on you, dear heart. I love you!
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Get ready...
I have been at the Empowered to Connect Conference in Nashville all day yesterday and today. This is the conference by Dr. Karen Purvis, author of The Connected Child. I have learned SO much, so start preparing yourself for a post of all posts... :)
Check out their website!!
Empowered to Connect
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Thoughts at the Big 3-0(h, SNAP!! I'm 30!!)
Funny how our best laid plans for ourselves are pretty much laughable when we look back on them. Hind sight is 20/20, right?
Laughable plans that never happened list:
1. I was sure that I would meet the man I was to marry whilst in college.
2. Not only would I meet that man, but I would be married to him right after graduating from college.
3. I would have at least one biological child before the age of 25 and be ready to adopt and have at least 3 or 4 more before 30.
What really happened list:
1. If I met my future husband in college, neither of us have figured it out yet.
2. Well, I think number one pretty much makes number two impossible, eh?
3. Ha ha! Well, not only am I running 5 years late on the whole first child thing, but I'm now at the point (and have been for a while, actually) where having children biologically is not something that appeals to me. Nothing against it, but I'm happy with the idea of solely adopting and fostering.
So now for the true reason that I'm writing... Turning 30 isn't hard, per se. What's hard is looking at where I thought I would be and where I am is just a little hard. In most moments, I am perfectly happy being single and childless. I am able to appreciate the simplicity that this lifestyle affords. However, if you asked me if this is where I want to when I'm 40 or 50, and I actually answered honestly, the answer would be no. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone and that thought honestly scares me. I remember looking at single friends approaching 30 when I was in my early 20s and pitying them. Wow... What a difference a decade makes.
So to come full circle on this... I have faith that God has the BEST plan for me. I refuse to settle for anything less, even though I've come close to settling in the past and God graciously plucked me out of the situation(s). I will trust that where I am and what I'm doing this very moment is part of the path that God has laid out for me.
I truthfully cannot have a nice, neat little wrap up here and say something like, "I will embrace and celebrate 30... What a great age!" Yeah, not even close to saying that. However, I can say that I am happy in the place that God has me at the moment, and I look forward to seeing what else He has in store for me!
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